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17 of January 2006 A Letter from Norway Days pass by, and in a couple of days, I am into my studies again, after a long Christmas vacation. I fear those days coming, not knowing if I have chosen right. What in the world made me start at the Faculty of Theology??? I solicited to enter the University without any hope to even get in there, since I miss some education, but what do you know! I got accepted. Not at the History and Human path but the Theology... Maybe they needed more students, that was someone's reaction..Hopefully it was Gods will, not only because they needed some more students at the faculty. It seem to me that there are plenty of students there. I have been thinking every semester coming and going, that NO, I do not want to continue. I am to ill with my plagues of muscular pains and panic anxieties. I do not want to continue..., I thought. The fact is, I am still here, now facing the difficult termins ahead. Hebrew....arrggg...the next weeks, until end of may, I need to know basic Hebrew. How can I even think that I will manage to understand anything? I passed the Greek...with bad results at the two last exams, probably because of illness and the fact that I am not capable to be at the lectures. This time I have to. Its 3 times a week, two hours..I just have to make it. I fear that I wont. I owe money to the state for the past 2,5 year, and still it will be more. I need to be functional, but how? How will the future be? I have been ill all my life, never functioned in a normal social context, due to the anxiety, and before the end of my former "life", the alcohol abuse and traumatic childhood, youth and younger years. I have been at the bottom, and I have used 13 years to get up to something that is better. I am scared, because I do not know what I am doing here...me, a priest???? Its something I do not even dear think about. Theologian, yes, that is possible, but priest???? ARRRGGG...I pray to God that He leads me, and that I am not disillusioning myself, that will be the end of my time, for sure. I cannot carry more debt, no more difficulties in surviving. I wont be able to pay back my debt with a pension, I need to be functioning in real life. This is the most exiting, but also the most scary time of my life!! The things happening when I was young and didn't have any other life than the bottom of the pit, at the streets, is nothing compared. At least then I didn't have to take responsibility for anything as long as I had money to drink for. Now I have been without that curse for 12,5 years, and never failed to keep the good way. I do not understand how life can be without being sober, I do not miss it at all, it's from the time of self medication, when nobody was there to help. I just had to find out by myself, but when I realized the that I suffered from panic anxiety and so on, the drinking was ending in one day (in April 1993), and I haven't had any help to stop, I just stopped, and that was it. I just was freed from the urge to drink to be able to live, so I can take a glass once a year, and it taste horrible!! I have no urge what so ever, thanks to Christ (I belive it is Him that saved me from the abuse). But the hard times started when I stopped drinking. Then the panic anxiety took over, and it has been a hard way. I was better in a five year period, but then again, everything just ended into the black hole of panic anxiety early summer of 99' , and now I have used another six years soon, to be able to be moving freely around, at least in the limits of where I live and travel to the university. But I belive it must be an end to this struggle, hopefully I will be able to work or function someday, I want to, but I do only have one to rely on: my only friend: Jesus Christ and the Father, and the power of the Holy Spirit. So, God has certainly done wonders for me, and I am so grateful, more than I ever can be able to give back to Him. But now, I am so afraid, because I am in fact living, and I am on my way to unknown paths and happenings, not knowing if this is God's will or something that is totally crazy. I pray its God's will. I said when I was six years old that I would become a priest. Something that completely was out of reach and nobody even believed that I would be able to live a life up until I was well passed my 30th birthday. And Here I am .....nothing from the past way of living is as scary as what I am doing now. May God be merciful on me, because I do not understand what He is up to in my life. photo attached lailaannamaria@yahoo.no rumiuma@start.no "A furore Normannorum, libea nos Domine!" (850-900 e.v.t) Remember: The best things in life are free. Laila Anna Maria Henrikse http://www.streetmissionmc.org http://www.musicosandinos.org http://www.joseantoniobanderas.com/ |